TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest Trump Tower Damascus SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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